“ihatetowait.”

With my recent decision to go back to school I have been forced to do something that I’ve been doing for a long time, for a lot of different things.

Wait.

And just like Inigo Montoya in The Princes Bride, “I hate to wait”. I’ve been waiting for a lot of things in my life. A well paying job, a man, a house, kids, money to travel…the list goes on. It seems all I’ve been doing so far is to just make it through one more day, week, month, year, in hopes that the thing I’m waiting for, is next. I’ve been spending my life waiting for the next event to happen and in the process, I’ve been wasting my life. The day to day life. I’ve been taking the little joys in life for granted.

When I compare my life to my friends lives I feel so unaccomplished. I don’t have a career, a husband, a family of my own, all the things that make a person feel accomplished in American society, or society in general. I mope around telling myself “this is only temporary, that job will come along, that man will come along and all will be good and great again.” But the thing is, if I can’t find happiness in my life now, I will never feel accomplished or happy because I will always be relying on the next big thing to make me feel happy. I won’t feel happy until I’ve met the man of my dreams. Then I won’t feel happy until we are married. Then I won’t feel happy until we have kids. On and on and on. Nothing but waiting. Again.

I recently watched “P.S. I love You” [for the hundredth time]. I love that movie for many reasons, Gerard Butler being one of them. Seriously, what’s not to like? He’s rugged yet gentle, he has a wicked Scottish accent, muscles and those eyes…*sigh*. That aside, I noticed a quote that I hadn’t really noticed before. I’m a quote person. I love quotes. The quote happens in the beginning of the movie, when Hilary Swanks character, Holly is arguing with Gerard Butlers character, Gerry. The conclusion of the argument ends like this.

Holly: I see people buying bigger apartments and having babies. I get so afraid sometimes our life’s never gonna start.

Gerry: No, baby. We’re already in our life. It’s already started. This is it. You have to stop waiting, baby.

I realized, I’m Holly. She spent so much time just waiting for her life to start that she forgot about everything that was important, her husband. It wasn’t until after she lost him, that she realized that she took it all for granted. I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I pissed my life away. I want to enjoy my life. The everydayness of life. The miniscule things about life that most people pass by without so much as a glance.

I want to take chances and make risks. After all, this life is only temporary. What I do in this life is not about the job I had, how much money I made, it’s about how many people I loved and how I loved and lived for God.

So my first big risk, applying for college to get my teaching license. If I don’t make it after I do all that I can, perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. But I won’t go down without a fight. If I win, I’ll be happy and if I lose, I’ll be happy because I know, God has something else for me.

– gypsyjess.

P.S. I think you’re hott, Mr. Butler.